Dear Mexico, Have we got a deal for you!

Dear Mexico,

This may be a long time coming, but I think it’s finally time to give you a little something for your efforts. I know that Texas has been a sore spot with you for a long time. Sorry. You gave it a good shot, but we like Texas and it is ours. However, not all is lost, and for your efforts I think you have earned a consolation prize: California.

I know it’s not as good as Texas, but it does have nice beaches, so I think it’s a fair prize. I mean, you did lose after all, and you should be happy enough to just get something out of the deal. But really, if you look past the surface it’s really not all that bad. Sure, they have some serious issues with local government, state law and a population that, in general, has some issues with delusions of grandeur… But they really aren’t hard to deal with since they’re a bunch of peace-loving ninnies anyway. Their power is derived through pop-culture and a corrupt court system – not through any sort of military or police muscle, so bringing them in line shouldn’t be any problem.

The only thing we ask is that you keep the Californians. We don’t want them, and they have made it clear that they don’t want to have anything to do with us – so as a caveat to the gift of California, you get the Californians. We don’t care what you do with them once they’re yours, but rest assured that they will not be welcome in America any more. They’re not hard workers, but they are easily led, so leading them into a life of slave labor might just be a good option assuming you don’t expect too much out of them. Oh, and don’t worry about calling them slaves because they are already used to the notion of sacrificing the fruits of their labor “for the greater good” … even if they’ve never actually practiced what they preached. But it really doesn’t matter anyway, because they seem to believe it, so forcing them into it should be an easy process.

As an added bonus, we are throwing in all of California’s unused natural resources and energy sources. There should be plenty there since Californians didn’t believe in using their own – however the pipelines of resources from surrounding states will be cut off upon your taking receipt of California.

Our only official recommendation would be what to do with state and local government officials once the state is under your jurisdiction. Since their usefulness wwould be nullified once under Mexican control, it would not be advised that any one of them retain even a shred of power. We would recommend one of two options when dealing with California’s government personnel: 1) load them into a giant catapult and launch them into the ocean; or 2) commit them into psychiatric institutions where they can be monitored by professionals who can keep them from doing any further harm to themselves or others.

We hope you enjoy your consolation prize, and do sincerely hope that this squares us up for the whole Texas fiasco. It really is a nice state once you get passed the ranks of the mentally ill government and the hordes of useless people.

Sincerely,

The other 49 UNITED States of America